Okay Hot Pockets, I get it. With your cool little crisping sleeve, I can eat you on the go! Well, I understand your need to shout this at the top of your lungs, or rather write cute, some may say clever (but not me), sayings on your handy dandy crisping sleeve, but I have some problems I'd like to address. First of all, it is possible to eat almost any food while on the go. A banana is an extremely portable food item, but it doesn't write on its peel, "Whoa, look how much cooler I am than all other foods because you can eat me on the go!" Banana doesn't feel the need to boast about its portability. Banana lets its awesomeness speak for itself. Fear not dear Hot Pocket, that is not the only issue I have with you. While we're on the topic of your insane need to scream about how wonderful you are, I would like to address the issue that you are not as wonderful as you claim. Sure I can take you on the go, but I have to let you sit for two minutes to cool off if I don't want to get a third degree burn on my hand while living my busy life. That time doesn't even include the time it takes to cook you. If I want to eat two of you, because I'm just crazy like that and have this mad desire to actually not be starving five minutes after eating, I have to cook you for three whole minutes. Hot Pocket, as annoying as you are to try to eat while on the run, you are even more annoying in quantities exceeding one. Let me explain. When I'm on the go and getting things done, I am usually carrying things. The type of things I am carrying does not matter, so for the purposes of this discussion let's just assume that I need to carry a watermelon and a baby armadillo. Well guess what Hot Pocket, I need an entire hand to hold each one of you, so I can't carry my watermelon or my baby armadillo. Thanks to you, I cannot attend my Baby Armadillo Watermelon Enthusiasts Party. That's right, Hot Pocket, now I'm not even going anywhere. Thanks a lot! The last problem that I have with you is that at times my legs become paralyzed for no apparent reason. Since you're remarkably convenient when it comes to making breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, I pretty much live on you during these times. Seriously, there are four boxes of you in my mini fridge even as you are reading this. You taste good and your broccoli chicken cheddar variety may even be moderately healthy. However, when I am not able to walk, it seems incredibly insensitive of you to say things like, "You can sit and eat when you're dead", and, "I have nothing against tables except that they're stuck inside all day". So Hot Pocket, while you think you're being cute and clever, you're making me feel helpless and pathetic. Thanks Hot Pocket. I really appreciate it.
P.S. That's right Hot Pocket, you don't deserve a "Sincerely" or a "Best Regards" or even a simple "From". You don't even deserve that dash, but I gave it to you anyway, because I'm a nice person and that's the kind of thing that nice people do.