An Open Letter

To the cheese I bought a few days ago,
What is wrong with you? You are so awful.  You look weird and you don't even taste good.  Why are you so shiny?  Have you been looking at jewelry and just assumed that people like shiny things?  Because cheese is not meant to be shiny.  You think you're so clever with your all-over printed wrapper hiding your real contents from view.  Quit trying to be something you're not.  I honestly am not even sure that you are really cheese.  You claim you are, but can I really trust you? You don't taste like cheese.  You don't even melt when I place you on a hamburger that's cooking in sizzling grease.  I'm pretty sure that you're so overprocessed that if I left you alone for an entire year, you would still look exactly the same.  You might claim it's an anti-aging breakthrough, but you're really just pumped so full of chemicals, you don't even know what's going on anymore.  So cheese, here's some advice, quit trying to be something you're not and just be cheese already!  Rest assured, I will not buy you again.  I'll actually spend the extra dollar it takes to get some real cheese.  Take your stuff and get out, cheese.  We're through.
With no love or kind regards or warm wishes,
Jay

P.S. I just wanted a cheeseburger, but you couldn't even make that happen!

Throw away your television

Don't actually do that. If you are actually going to get rid of your television, at least try to sell it. The title is some lyrics in a song. This is kind of a letter to Hulu, but not really. That made no sense and was kind of unnecessary but oh well. Anyway, post commencing in...3...2...1. I like Hulu because it allows me to catch up on my favorite shows whenever I have the time and it's free, which is a big yay for any college student. Free stuff=awesome, especially free food. Free food is like awesome squared. I use Hulu to watch Survivor, The Office, Modern Family, The Middle, and Life Unexpected. One of the reasons that I found Hulu so enjoyable in the past was the fact that the commercials were only about 1 to 2 minutes long. Sometimes you could even choose to watch one full-length commercial and then view the rest commercial-free. Well recently this all changed. Maybe it was just a change that the CW website made but they now have normal TV commercial length commercials. You'll be sitting there happily watching your show when BAM! out of nowhere comes a barrage of about six or seven commercials in a row. I combat this by having a book to read and pressing mute, because I didn't want to watch those commercials the first time and for all five-ish commercial breaks you show the exact same commercials. The point is, if there is a point, that I still like Hulu because it is free and it gives me something to do while I'm stuck in my room. I apologize to all 5 followers for this monstrosity of a post. I promise that I will attempt to post slightly more coherent things in the future.

An Open Letter to Hot Pockets, and more specifically, to Hot Pockets Packaging Designers

Okay Hot Pockets, I get it. With your cool little crisping sleeve, I can eat you on the go! Well, I understand your need to shout this at the top of your lungs, or rather write cute, some may say clever (but not me), sayings on your handy dandy crisping sleeve, but I have some problems I'd like to address.  First of all, it is possible to eat almost any food while on the go. A banana is an extremely portable food item, but it doesn't write on its peel, "Whoa, look how much cooler I am than all other foods because you can eat me on the go!" Banana doesn't feel the need to boast about its portability. Banana lets its awesomeness speak for itself. Fear not dear Hot Pocket, that is not the only issue I have with you. While we're on the topic of your insane need to scream about how wonderful you are, I would like to address the issue that you are not as wonderful as you claim. Sure I can take you on the go, but I have to let you sit for two minutes to cool off if I don't want to get a third degree burn on my hand while living my busy life.  That time doesn't even include the time it takes to cook you. If I want to eat two of you, because I'm just crazy like that and have this mad desire to actually not be starving five minutes after eating, I have to cook you for three whole minutes. Hot Pocket, as annoying as you are to try to eat while on the run, you are even more annoying in quantities exceeding one. Let me explain. When I'm on the go and getting things done, I am usually carrying things. The type of things I am carrying does not matter, so for the purposes of this discussion let's just assume that I need to carry a watermelon and a baby armadillo. Well guess what Hot Pocket, I need an entire hand to hold each one of you, so I can't carry my watermelon or my baby armadillo. Thanks to you, I cannot attend my Baby Armadillo Watermelon Enthusiasts Party. That's right, Hot Pocket, now I'm not even going anywhere. Thanks a lot! The last problem that I have with you is that at times my legs become paralyzed for no apparent reason. Since you're remarkably convenient when it comes to making breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, I pretty much live on you during these times. Seriously, there are four boxes of you in my mini fridge even as you are reading this. You taste good and your broccoli chicken cheddar variety may even be moderately healthy. However, when I am not able to walk, it seems incredibly insensitive of you to say things like, "You can sit and eat when you're dead", and, "I have nothing against tables except that they're stuck inside all day". So Hot Pocket, while you think you're being cute and clever, you're making me feel helpless and pathetic. Thanks Hot Pocket. I really appreciate it.

-Jay

P.S. That's right Hot Pocket, you don't deserve a "Sincerely" or a "Best Regards" or even a simple "From". You don't even deserve that dash, but I gave it to you anyway, because I'm a nice person and that's the kind of thing that nice people do.