Thursday, January 6, 2011

Caught beneath a landslide with a champagne supernova in the sky

Sometimes my random surrealism generator is disappointing, but today it said this, "On the fifth day of Christmas, my tasteless love sent to me; five nice and cosy duvet covers! Four freakish trenchcoats, three brightly-glowing pigeons, two indigo denim jackets and a cave painting in a bacon roll." I was pleased.

I am not doing a word of the day today, nor will it continue to be a daily thing. If I happen to have a certain word that I really love, I'll share it. But right now, the word of the day has become a lot less interesting than it was to start with.

Yesterday post-blogpost (see what I did there?), I was feeling pretty depressed. I decided that being paralyzed sucks and I hate not being able to go out with friends. Being in a wheelchair makes me feel so insecure. I had just started feeling confident about myself before my legs stopped working and now I am not very confident at all. I can fake it okay, but I'm really insecure. Anyway, I was in a very bad mood and felt like crying or punching a wall, but since I knew that wouldn't help, I texted H. He didn't text back until this morning, but I was still in a bad mood this morning so it was good. Do you have a person who can make you smile just by receiving a text from them, no matter what it says? Well, H does that for me. He is such a sweetheart. He sent me like 14 texts that were really nice and encouraging, but I wasn't done feeling sorry for myself yet, so I was kind of rude. Well not really rude, but I did give him a bunch of reasons why this totally sucks and how I'm tired of being optimistic. Anyway, I had to go to class after that and it was my discussion section for my drugs and society class. The T.A.'s name is Jason and he is hilarious. It was the first time I had that class this quarter, so we did the normal tell us your name, year, and something about yourself thing. Well my something about myself was that my legs have been paralyzed for three months and nobody knows why. Jason was pretty surprised. He's legally blind, so he couldn't see my wheelchair. After class, when I was waiting for my ride, Jason came over and talked to me. He told me about how he was diagnosed with a brain tumor two days after graduating from college. He had surgery and now he's legally blind and epileptic, and he had to relearn how to walk. Now he's in his third year of grad school and he's my favorite TA or professor so far. He's really funny and makes discussing the readings really interesting.  He told me to let him know if I ever need any help and that I'm an inspiration to him! I didn't tell him this, but he really inspired me. It was just what I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. When I got back from class, I texted H and let him know that I was in a good mood again and about my TA and thanked him for being there for me. I also let him know that after rereading his texts after my attitude change, I really appreciate them.  He's so great and I can't not like him as more than a friend. Sorry for the double negative, but I felt it was necessary. I wanted to ask him if he's doing anything tonight and then invite him over to watch a movie with me, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll do something stupid like hold his hand or something, and then things will be awkward. I'm pretty sure he still likes me as just a friend. He would tell me if he changed his mind, wouldn't he? I haven't had a whole lot of experience with guys, so I don't know. And I have one more question, do you think I'm pretty? Well, do you think I'm at least not unattractive? The only people who have ever told me I'm pretty were my parents, and I feel like they're supposed to say that, whether it's true or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm somewhat attractive, but I don't know if other people feel the same way. I don't wear makeup and I often wear guy's clothes. I don't know why I'm asking this. I'm pretty sure that the reason H likes me as just a friend is not because I'm not pretty. That would be shallow, and he can't possibly be shallow. He's way too nice. I don't know, what about a girl makes a guy think of her as more than just a friend? I've had mostly guy friends for my entire life and I still never learned this stuff, so if some guys would give me their thoughts on this, I'd appreciate it.

Maybe I'm not girly enough. We did meet hacky sacking and I like listening to metal. I prefer action movies over chick flicks. I know I sound ridiculous, but this blog sometimes serves as a place for me to think things through out loud and then other people read them, and I'm okay with that since I don't know any of those people in real life and sometimes they feel the same way about stuff and then it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks for reading this ridiculous jumbled thought process mess anyway.

On a completely unrelated note, one of the guys in my drugs and society class looks exactly like one of my friends from high school.

And now this is the part that I actually planned to write and the reason for the title I chose for this post.  It will probably be boring, but I found it interesting. In my physics class, we learned about how stars die. If they're really small, when they get old they turn into lead. If they're really huge, they can form a black hole that sucks everything near it into a singularity.  If they're medium sized, they explode and it's called a supernova. Wow, this would have been a really short post if I had only written that.

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