Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Things I Hate

I hate that the second guy to call me pretty in 19 years who wasn't related to me turned out to be a total creep.  I hate that he thought I was a loser for having morals.  I hate that the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and hold my hand and sit in a cherry tree just talking for hours moved to California a week after I met him.  I hate that I can get up the courage to tell a guy I like him and get put in the friend zone.  I mean, I get it that they don't feel the same way, but if you say you just see me as a friend, then why don't you act like my friend instead of avoiding me?! I mean C of course, H is a great friend who gives me awesome advice.  Dude, that's exactly the reason I didn't want to tell him in the first place, so things wouldn't be awkward.  I hate that I can let the entire male population in general make me feel so no good and worthless.  I hate that I care so much about not having a boyfriend.  I try to act like I could care less what people think about me, and most of the time, for most things that's true, but every once in a while, you just feel like life totally sucks, you know?  It's times like these that I get some Oreos and ice cream and try to drown my emotions in an unhealthy diet.  I hate that I'm not normal, medically (I couldn't care less about being considered normal, just that I was healthy).  I hate that I have nobody to talk to about this stuff in person.  I hate being told that it's my fault when I can't talk or walk.  I hate getting in fights with people.  I seriously hate that I hung up on my dad, but I just couldn't listen to that, and it's going to be a while before I'll talk to him again.  I hate having doctors promise me they'll find out what's wrong with me when they can't keep that promise.  I hate being told that I have mental problems, because seriously, that's just a nice way for doctors to say that they think I'm crazy, and I don't think I am crazy.  I have problems sure, but I'm not insane.  I hate that I had so many awesome guys to hang out with in high school, and now my entire group of friends consists of one guy and one girl, most of the time.  I hate that everyone else is so busy and I have so much time on my hands, like I'm never doing anything worthwhile.  I hate that I feel like everyone else is growing up and I'm just being left in their dust.  I hate that I might not get into the design program and then these first two years of college will just have been a waste of time and money.  And I really hate that I've been considering dropping out of school if I don't make it into the program.  But seriously, what's the point? I'm going to college to become a graphic designer and if I can't get into the program, then I shouldn't be wasting my time.  If I do end up dropping out, then I'll just be wasting my time anyway.  I hate feeling like there's nowhere I belong.  I hate that people would be just as fine without me as they are with me.  I just hate being in this mood and I hate having nobody to help me out of it.  There is nothing I want more right now than someone to sit with me and hold my hand and tell me that everything's going to be okay, and actually be able to convince me of that.  Because seriously, right now life just sucks.

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