Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sometimes You Just Have to Draw your Feelings

G and I broke up last night.  It was mutual.  My priorities in life aren't the same as the ones he thinks I should have.  For him, getting a degree should be the most important thing to me (after getting healthy again), even if it's in something I'm not interested in.  There are lots of other things too, but that is the only one I feel like sharing.  We dated for 15 and a half months.  We discussed getting married at some point in the future.  That's the part that's the hardest for me; whenever I pictured my future, I pictured us happily married and now that is never going to happen.  We had both been trying to ignore the fact that I'm not the girl he wants to be with.  If there was a checklist, I don't have the most important qualities on it.  I want him to be happy so I had to face the truth.  It really sucks.  This is my first real break-up ever (G and I broke up once before but that lasted for less than a day.)  This time it's for real.  We can still be friends but we'll probably hae to stop when he meets another girl.  I just won't be able to hang out with him and pretend that it doesn't bother me that someone else makes him as happy as I used to.  So I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and devouring blog archives and drawing my feelings on Post-its.

My mom called when she noticed my single status on Facebook.  She said she's going to come get me and take me back home with her and my dad until I get better.  I asked her not to do that yet.  She said she doesn't want me to have to be alone on Christmas and I told her it would be even more depressing being around her delicious home-cooked food and not being able to eat any, which is true.

So on Christmas, I'll sit in my room alone with my cranberry citrus candle lit and open the Christmas gifts my dad brought me on Saturday.  I'll probably watch Buffy.  Maybe I'll try to put up my one strand of Christmas lights (these walls are really dense and very hard to put push pins in).  But I won't be with my family and I won't have Christmas dinner and I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm sad right now.  Half of the time I can keep it together and then the littlest thing turns me into a pile of snot and tears.  I won't post when I'm feeling the worst because I don't want people to be depressed by my posts.  I have a book review planned.  Spoiler alert: It's a really great book and I loved it.


  1. Sorry for the break-up, it hurts now but it will pass... perhaps this kick on the butt is a great step ahead towards finding the one :)
    PS: Christmas on your own doesn't have to be sad, I wanted to do it several times and I think you can really, really curl up with your inner self. And cry. And celebrate :)

  2. I'm so sorry you grew up with your parents fighting all the time. That leaves an impression. Smart to stay away from all that though (or even anything that might trigger memories of it), especially emotionally fragile as you are right now. In the future, though, if your parents really are getting along better, it might be a good idea to visit them and maybe make some new, better memories to dilute the rough ones.

    All the best to you <3

  3. You're going through so much right now and staying so positive about it. I'm sure you have your moments but I can really feel your strength and determination to keep soldiering through! If you need anything or just an outlet, drop me a line, I won't mind. I was in a really bad place about 6 years ago and crap just kept happening to me! I made it through, and I know you will. (Also I can totally sympathize about the degree stuff...)

  4. Thank you all so much for your support. And Raz, I defintely agree with you. I don't want to be in that environment when I'm all sick and emotional like this, but will definitely visit once I'm feeling better.

  5. Hi Jessica,

    It is quite sad to hear about this, that too, just before Christmas. But that's life and that is how it pans it out for everyone. Don't lose hope, you'll be up and running in no time with all your worries left behind. Keep posting :)



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  6. Sorry to hear this, never easy to cope with! I wish you all the best and hope you can move on with your life as quickly as possible.


  7. Sorry to hear about the break-up, but it does leave you open to someone who will love you for you, all of you, and respect your life decisions (Like not going to school if it's not right for you.) I love Buffy too!!

  8. Oh no :( Break ups are tough... I just found out my ex got engaged :/ but what's personally helped me was surrounding myself with friends and family... I know you've heard it before but everything happens for a reason :)

  9. Oh gosh. I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you feel better soon.


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