Easy Ways to Practice Self Care

If you've been on the internet and have a chronic illness or mental health difficulties (or even if you don't) you've probably seen people talk about self care.  There are all these lists of things you can do to take care of yourself and help yourself fell better over time.  And they're good suggestions and they do work, but here's the big issue: you have to be motivated enough to do the things.  When you have a chronic illness and you're having a low energy day or when you have mental health issues and you're lacking motivation it's really hard to actually do those things on the lists.  Real life example: yesterday my depression was pretty bad and my anxiety was really bad.  In my head I knew that self care would help me but I also lacked the motivation to do any of those things, such as make myself a cup of tea, do a face mask, turn on my favorite music, so I didn't do any of it.  The other huge problem is that when you're really depressed you might feel like you don't actually deserve to feel better so you just won't do anything that might help you feel better.  For these situations I have come up with a sort of self care cheat sheet.  This is a list of the easiest possible things I could think of that can help you feel just a little bit better.  It's great for low-energy days or days where you're lacking motivation.  I am personally going to try to do at least one of these things every day.  Some days you might be able to do every single one since they're things that don't require a lot of energy or motivation, and none of them cost any money!  So here it is, my list of small ways to feel a little bit better every day:

Drink water, go outside if even for just a minute (if you can't bring yourself to go outside, look out a window at outside for even just a minute), do something nice for someone else (even if it's just sharing someone's post online with your friends), take deep breaths when it gets difficult, rest when you need to. If you didn't do so well today try again tomorrow. Remember you're not alone.

Read more mental health blog posts like this one at my new blog: https://www.honeybeealley.com/blog

My Mental and Physical Health

I was thinking about stopping blogging but instead I think I'd like to switch the focus to being more about jewelry making and Etsy stuff and less personal life.  That being said this post will be about my personal life because I need to ... vent isn't really the right word, just process what I'm dealing with, I guess.

If you haven't been here from the beginning you might not know about me not being able to walk for nine months for no apparent reason when I was in college and then ultimately having to do a hardship withdrawal from school after having daily seizures.  This post tells about that.  Since that time I was diagnosed with celiac disease and stopped eating gluten.  I still get sick from time to time, most recently September through December of last year.  Even after being able to hold down food again my energy level never returned to normal.  I am exhausted constantly, sleeping a minimum of 12 hours a night and still waking up tired.  Because of this I had to quit my retail job and the last day I worked was in August last year before I got sick.  I applied for disability but I was denied because "there is a cure for celiac disease" (there's not) and I won't be unable to work for over a year (It's been a year this month.)  I was trying to find a place to move with Jordan closer to my parents because I am super tired of not having our own bathroom and kitchen.  We live in sort of a boarding house and there is one shared kitchen and five shared bathrooms for 30+ people.  The kitchen is on the first floor and our room is in the basement so I haven't had enough energy to go up there and cook since before I got sick in September.  Anyway we couldn't find a place in our budget in the small town and then I got glutened so we had to renew our lease here.  For the first three days since accidentally ingesting gluten I had my normal symptoms of not being able to keep food or water down, low fever, and a seizure.  The next day my stomach was actually feeling mostly better but by the end of the day I stopped being able to walk.  This is the first time I've been unable to walk again since 2011 and it is incredibly frustrating.  Jordan bought me crutches and a wheelchair on Amazon (Prime is a lifesaver) so I can get around our room and get to the bathroom by myself.  Our house is full of stairs.  To get out of our room and to the bathroom I have to go up two stairs.  I can use the crutches to skip the first step because the second step has a lip on it that trips me if I do both steps.  It is very frightening and dangerous and that's what I have to do every time I have to go the bathroom.  Even worse is that I can't leave the house, which is kind of ironic since when I could walk I left the house as little as possible.  I am going to have to get groceries very soon and eventually I'll have doctor appointments to go to and I don't know how to go outside right now.  There are between 6-8 concrete steps out the back door (never counted to be honest) and I don't have enough upper body strength to get up them with my crutches.  Jordan has been sick recently and can't carry me up that many stairs.  I also can't send him with a grocery list for me because Safeway stopped selling all of my main staple foods and I'm currently unable to cook, so I would have to go myself.  I would order groceries through Amazon but I have food stamps and very little money in savings, which I don't want to have to spend unless necessary.

This is all very stressful.  I have anxiety and depression and when I get glutened my anxiety and depression go into hyperdrive so I either sleep all day, have trouble falling asleep because my brain won't stop being anxious, or don't want to sleep at all despite being exhausted because the fever dreams have been horrible.  To make matters even worse I'm nearly out of Prozac and haven't managed to be awake during the day to call in the refill.  So I'm just trying to keep my mind occupied for the most part with Netflix, Youtube, or Etsy.

This post is more for myself than anything.  I kind of just needed to get my frustrations out.  So thanks for reading, if you did, and I hope that you are able to enjoy the outdoors and life's everyday wonders.  I'm still remaining mostly optimistic and have definitely kept my sense of humor.  I just hope I can walk again in less than nine months.

Altered

This is an altered book I started when I was in high school. It's still unfinished and there are a lot of pages that I completely hate, but it helped me through a really rough time in my life.  My grandpa died of stomach cancer when I was in 8th grade.  I'm not sure if that's when my depression started or if it was before that.  I wasn't diagnosed with depression until my junior year of high school.  I have no idea how long I had it before that, just that there was a long time in my life where I didn't smile, didn't laugh, and was constantly tired.  When the kids at school would ask if I was okay, I would tell them that I was just tired, but I knew that wasn't true.  I think I started this book as a project in my art class when my fake aunt started to die of cancer.  She was actually a really amazing family friend, but she was like my mom's sister.  She was one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  She always had a genuine smile on her face and knew just the perfect thing to say to everyone to make them feel really good.  Even when she got near the end, she never lost her smile or her optimism.  She had beat cancer once.  It had been in remission for three years and then her husband found a lump on her spine.  Sure enough it was back again.  It metastasized and quickly spread.  She passed away before she could get her bone marrow transplant.

I started this book because I wanted something that could give me even 1/10th of the hope that Aunt Katie did.  I called it Rays of Hope.  It is mostly pictures glued to pages in a book.  I didn't realize that the book would get super thick if I glued something to the front and back of every page.  Some of the pictures are my own art, some are from magazines, and some are just things from the internet that made me smile.  Some of them are blurry, some are pixelated, some are wrinkled.  I think that part of what makes this book so special to me is that it was really the only thing I had control over when I felt like everything in my life was spiraling out of control.  I got to choose every single thing that went in it.  Nothing I didn't want would go on the pages.  I glued sayings that I found inspirational to some of the pages.  It's something that always makes me feel a little better when I'm in a really sad mood.  I really want to finish it and change a lot of it to fit with my life now.  But here are a few pictures, and I will be sharing more on some Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't normally post.

This is the front cover.  I had to use so many layers of paint to cover
the original cover.  It started as an old book about the Mafia.



This one scanned a little blurry.  The picture is the first watercolor I ever did.
It was the size of a full page, but I cut it up to fit in my book.

When I was feeling super emotional today, I wrote a song/poem thing.  I might share it on here on Thursday.  Maybe.

How to Be Happy: A Guide

First off, I'd just like to inform everyone whose blogs I read and normally comment on like crazy, that for some reason Blogger hates me and whenever I try to comment on a blog post lately, the screen just turns white and I can't : (

After struggling with depression for years and years, I have finally reached a point where I can be happy most of the time without Prozac.  These things that I am about to share probably wouldn't help that much during actual bouts of depression, but when I get a little gloomy, they work wonders.  So I'm sharing them with all of you, so you can all be happy too : )  Of course, some of them are probably just things that make me happy, but I'll try to generalize.

1. Wear clothes that make you happy.  For me, this means bright colors and clothes that I feel like I look good in, as well as sometimes just clothing that has good-feeling soft fabric.  I especially enjoy wearing brightly colored shoes.  Since I live in a region where there's not always a lot of sunlight, wearing bright shoes is like carrying sunshine with me on my feet.   I have turquoise sneakers and red flats for this reason.  I had some green Converse as well, still have them but there's a huge hole in the side so I don't wear them too much.  Most importantly, know yourself: it's important to know if you'll feel better wearing clothes that make you look hot or if clothes that are super comfortable and maybe not the most attractive are what it takes to put a smile on your face.  For me, it changes a lot.  Most of the time, when I'm staying at home, I'll choose comfy clothing and when I'm going somewhere, I'll wear clothes that make me look good.  Also in this category, I usually feel happier after doing my makeup even if I'm not going anywhere.  When I look good, I usually feel good.

2.  Another thing that makes me feel great is exercise.  But don't exercise by doing something you hate.  Like for me, I love hacky sacking but hate running, so I would much rather hacky sack for an hour than run for five minutes.  Exercising actually makes you happier because it makes your brain release endorphins.  Endorphins are really cool because they relieve pain, enhance the immune system, reduce stress, and delay the aging process!

3.  What you eat can also help you be happier.  I try to eat pretty healthy the majority of the time, but sometimes I just crave some ice cream.  So I eat it.  And it makes me happy.  Because ice cream is awesome.  Which leads me to my next point, which is still something I'm working on.

4. Don't focus on your perceived failures.  All that will happen is you'll get unhappy and start to feel like a failure, which is never fun.  This is especially important around the beginning of the year when everyone is breaking their New Year's Resolutions.  Surprisingly enough, sometimes failures can be a good thing.  Maybe by "failing" at a goal, you'll realize that your goal was a little bit ridiculous.  For example, if your goal was to go to the gym every single day and workout for an hour, and you missed a day, instead of thinking you failed, maybe you'll realize your goal was too strict.  Especially if you're trying to completely change something about yourself, like in this example let's say you never work out, it's important to start small.  Maybe you should just go to the gym once or twice a week to start with.  Then , once you get more used to it, you can modify your goal and take it to the next level.  That way, instead of feeling like you failed and just giving up, you're constantly challenging yourself to do better.

5.  Know when you are feeling unhappy.  When you aren't in the best mood, try your hardest to constantly bombard yourself with things that make you happy.  Listen to your favorite music, watch a favorite movie or TV show, eat food that you love, wear clothing that you like, take a bubble bath or an extra long hot shower.  And if you are still feeling depressed after all of that, don't be afraid to seek professional help.  I didn't even realize I had depression until I had already been dealing with it for four years.  But when I did, I went to a therapist and they put me on depression medicine.  You need to know that being on depression medicine doesn't mean that you're crazy.  You have no idea how many people around you are on depression medicine.  It's important for some people to take it so they can feel happy again.  And someday, you'll probably realize that you don't need it anymore.  For me, I wasn't okay without it for three years.  But now I am.

6.  Try your hardest to be optimistic about everything.  It is best if you are so optimistic that if you shared every single optimistic thought you have out loud, people will be annoyed by your cheerfulness.  For example, when I couldn't walk last year, my main optimistic thought was that my arms were going to get so strong from being in a wheelchair that I would be really good at arm wrestling.  If you really can't think of any reason to be optimistic in your situation, then think 'at least it isn't raining', unless it is and then your best bet is probably 'at least I have my health, friends, a place to live, enough food to eat'.  Any or all of those that are true for you are good to be grateful for.  And whatever you do, never say, "At least it isn't raining" out loud, because if you've learned anything from movies, saying that out loud will inevitably make it rain.

And if you are struggling with depression, find someone who has been through it that can support you or just listen.  Like me, perhaps.  It doesn't have to be me, but don't try to deal with it alone.

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

Disclaimer: This post is extremely personal and was hard for me to write.  Please do not judge me.  If you've never been depressed, you don't understand how hard it is.

Throughout my life I have always had different answers for this question. When I was in elementary school, it went from an astronaut to an archaeologist to a paleontologist (I was a geeky kid I say 'was' like I'm not geeky anymore, but I definitely still am).

I don't remember what I wanted to be when I was in middle school, but when I was in high school, I finally thought of the perfect job.  I would be a librarian.  I have loved reading ever since I was 4 years old.  Books were a higher priority than a social life ever was.  (I still don't have much of a social life.)  I could get paid for doing something I enjoyed.  Overly ambitious, I planned out a future in which I had a master's degree in library science.

My mind was made up until I went to college.  Part of it was the realization that libraries and books are becoming taken over by technology.  Part of it was the realization that I would be bored as a librarian.  So then it occurred to me.  I could do the other thing I love. Art.  In my mind this new plan manifested itself and my mind was made up that I would become a graphic designer.

The Universe had other plans.  I couldn't get into any art classes until the last quarter of my freshman year, but that was okay.  It was the one course I was required to take before I could take the entrance exam for the graphic design program.  I was really sick throughout that quarter, as I get from time to time.  I received something like a 2.6 for my grade in the class because of all the class I missed.  Fast forward to the entrance exam.  The exam consisted of three distinct projects and lasted all day.  The problem was that the exam was tailored toward people who are good at 3D design, 2/3 projects were 3D.  I am strictly a 2D designer.  And to make matters worse, one portion of one of the 3D projects involved imagining a bike rental system and sketching out plans.  I cannot draw a bike to save my life.  But I did my very best and I thought that I had nailed the other 2 projects.  One was designing a logo for Doctors without Borders and I can't remember what the other was.  I didn't get my results for 2 or 3 months after, and when I finally did, it came as a simple email telling me not much more than I didn't get in.  The odds were never in my favor.  Only 20 out of 200 people who take the exam get accepted into the 2D design program.  But I had my heart set on getting in. 

It was the first time I had ever really failed at anything.  And I hate to admit it, but I did not take it well at all.  I had been on Prozac for depression ever since my junior year of high school.  I had just reached the point where I was smiling and laughing again on a regular basis, and then the rug got pulled out from under me.  All of my plans fell apart all at once and I didn't know how to handle it.  At the same time, my mother had stopped taking her anxiety medication and everything I did rubbed her the wrong way.  I felt like I couldn't do anything right at all and I would never succeed at anything.  My mom left to get groceries for a while, and at the time the only grocery store around was a 20 minute drive away.  After she left, I got to thinking about everything.  I started overthinking and focusing on all the negative and before I knew it, I thought about how easy it would be to just go in the kitchen, grab a sharp knife from the silverware drawer, stab myself in the chest, and just end it all.  Thankfully I wasn't ready to kill myself but I went into my room and laid down on my bed and shut the door.  I didn't let myself get up off the bed, because I didn't want my mom, dad, and brother to have to deal with having me commit suicide.  My brother had moved out of the house when I started college, so I was the only one home.  I just laid down on my bed and cried my eyes out.  My cell phone rang.  Nobody ever called me.  My mom had got me the cell phone before I left for college so I could keep in touch.  I looked to see who was calling and it was my brother.  He had never called me before.  I picked it up and said hello and it was impossible to hide the fact that I was crying.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him everything, even the part about how I wanted to kill myself.  He had been depressed before so he was empathetic.  He told me everything I needed to hear and made me promise him that I wouldn't do anything stupid.  He drove to my house from Stevenson, and by the time he got there, my mom had gotten home from grocery shopping.  She found me crying on my bed and asked me what was wrong.  I told her everything and then she apologized for flying off the handle so much.  She told me she had stopped taking her medication, which I didn't know before that, and that she didn't realize she was getting angry at me so easily.  She went back on her medication, on a half dose.  My brother took me to his house and we played video games and watched scary movies.  He told me that any time mom and I were butting heads, I could call him and he would get me and we would hang out.

My mom and I started to get along much better and I stopped feeling like I was a complete failure.  My brother and I became best friends and we hung out a lot that summer.  One time, we went to Portland, Oregon and just walked around all day.  We went to Powell's Bookstore, Rocky's Pizza, and Voodoo Donuts.  It was so much fun.  He took me to see at least one movie every month.  He always picked them and I always thought they didn't sound very interesting but went anyway, and I always loved them.  My favorite was Fast and The Furious.  It wasn't the first one in the series; it was like the fourth or something.  After I went back to college, he and his girlfriend moved to an apartment in Portland, Oregon.  We didn't talk as often anymore but every once in a while, he would call me and talk for about an hour about everything going on in his life, and I would share the few things happening in mine.  This month, my best friend, my brother is graduating from Marines Boot Camp.  I couldn't be more proud of him.  He is an inspiration and I really hope that I can go home for the holidays and see him before he gets sent off for the Marines.

I don't know if I'll ever become a graphic designer, and I'm okay with that.  So now if you ask me what I want to be, I'll answer that I want to be happy and successful.