Stuff I'm Still Learning

Some of this is pretty specifically tailored to myself, because that's why I wrote this, so I can read it and remind myself that these things are all true for me, and hopefully after I read them enough, I'll begin to believe them at some point.

#1 Just because you failed, that doesn't mean you're a failure.  Even if you failed at 10 things.  You're still not a failure.  Even if you failed at 20 things.  You're still not a failure.  Even if you think you've failed at everything.  You haven't.  You have a place to live and you have food.  That's two things you've succeeded at, and there are plenty more.

#2 Worrying isn't worth it.  It's just not.  Worrying sucks.  It sucks away your joy of living.  And worrying about things doesn't help.

#3 Sometimes it's okay to spend money on things you don't need.  Don't go buying a Nikon or anything, but a manicure would be okay to get. Even just once. And it's on your bucket list, so do it.

#4 Schedule time for yourself.  Quit making amorphous plans to sometime spend the day shopping for painting supplies and selling CDs (Yes, I still have CDs.) and going to thrift stores and just do it already.  And check out that new crepe restaurant on The Ave while you're at it.

#5 Stop feeling guilty.  This goes with the above part.  Know yourself and your issues and that getting a real person job probably isn't going to happen for you right now.  Because of reasons.  Mostly social anxiety.  And don't feel so guilty about it.  Just use your time wisely.  Make jewelry when you feel like it, and don't cut yourself down so much when you don't.  See if you can volunteer at the library one or two days a week and get used to being around people and gain work experience at the same time.  Boom: two birds, one stone.

#6 "Can't" isn't a word so stop saying it.  Give yourself the opportunity to succeed and don't worry if you fail.  (See #1 and #2 above.)

Stuff's About to Get Real

I don't think that I've ever actually talked about the reason I started this blog.  For one thing, I've tried writing about my feelings in journals but can never stick with it past a few days.  And the really big thing is that I suck at talking about my feelings.  I am the kind of person who just holds in all my emotions until I explode, usually in lots of tears.  I started this blog as an effort to not hold in my feelings.  My theory was that I would be able to write for longer than I ever did in a journal, if there were people reading it.  And there have been.  And my theory has proven true.  I've had this blog for over a year now.  But I tend to avoid writing about certain things, because I feel like people don't want to read them.  After discovering and reading some of Jorah's amazing blog, I have realized that I should write about whatever I want.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  If it offends you, leave.  I am a real person.  I have flaws just like you.  I have feelings too and I have issues from the past that I'm still dealing with, or rather trying not to deal with.  From now on, I write for me, and if you like it, great.  If not, oh well.  I'll still do movie reviews and share my art and stuff.  After all, I'm writing this as a record of my experiences in life.  The good times and the bad.  And for those of you who stick with me through the thick and the thin, I appreciate you.  And trust me, there's about to be some thin.

Living with OCD and Social Anxiety

OCD makes it hard for me to get things done sometimes.  Just on my laptop alone it's constantly check email, check other email, facebook, twitter, pinterest, etsy, my blog, 20sb.  And by constantly I mean a routine that can happen 5 seconds after it just happened.  I literally did it just after typing that.  I feel especially neurotic lately.  The social anxiety certainly doesn't help.  I can't bring myself to leave the house most days.  I have a package today.  I know that I have a package because the mailman knocked on the door, waited 20 seconds at the most for me to answer, and when I got to the door nobody was there but there was a note on the door saying they left my package in the office.  And I love mail.  I think you guys know how much I love mail.  I'm pretty sure I even wrote a post not too long ago called "I Love Mail", but not even the desire to obtain mail is enough to make me leave the house today.  The office is only half a block away.  The distance is not the problem.  I just am not capable of forcing myself to interact with human beings today, at least not ones who are basically strangers.  I never liked meeting new people as a kid and I still don't, only now it's much worse.  I just felt like giving you guys a peek into my perhaps crazy mind.